More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
