I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
