ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
