She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
my liver is dry heaving
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
