oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize