The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
