Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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