You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
