Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
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Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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