Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
