I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
