then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My penis needs a shock collar
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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