I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
