if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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