$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
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