guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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