last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
