if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
