This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
