There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
