I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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