So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
