I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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