Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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