bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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