my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
