i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
