i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
...so i touched it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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