It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
