If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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