Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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