I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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