I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
