We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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