Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
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Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
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Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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