I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
