I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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