can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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