Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
