I could have mohawked her pubes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
