So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
