I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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