Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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