I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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