Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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