he wants to bone in the snuggie
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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