i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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