i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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