I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
