you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
