I think my fart just growled at me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
