can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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