There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
