I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
