I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
