To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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